Remembering 2013 is going to be a different story. I am positive that one, five, even ten years from now, I will remember what I was doing this year. It's not every year that you get married. It's not every year that you get pregnant. Certainly not every year that a child is welcomed in your family.
I stood alone around midnight at the entrance of Rockwell, waiting for Ken to pick me up. Because of the lateness of the time, there were no people waiting with me, nor anyone walking by. I looked around and realized…it will be a long while before I experience this aloneness again. Not months, not years, but decades.
How does one's life change so drastically in a span of 12 months? A year ago, I had full control of my body, my future, and my every move. Today, my bladder feels like it's generating water on its own, my lower back aches where it never ached before, and my eyesight is at its worst. The control I had a year ago was something I couldn’t even remember anymore.
The fatigue is something different all together. I have had tired, exhausting episodes before, like maybe after working for almost 16 hours or more, or after a 12-hour bus ride that's bumpy. These days though, I wake up to pee, and I'm already tired. I stand up to get water, and then I'm tired. The only thing pushing me to move is my need to eat so that the little one doesn’t miss out on meals. Otherwise, I think I would be content simply sleeping 24 hours a day.
And then there's my walking. I love walking, and I love walking fast, I feel like I'm bouncing. Occasionally, I would sprint to my destination and the surge of energy is always liberating. And yet, I suddenly find myself unable to walk with the same speed. Instead, I wobble along. When, and how, did that happen?
And yet, in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of my sleep, I would be awakened by a gentle kick or a little squirm, as if a little body is also shifting sleeping positions inside of me. That's when I wonder, how indeed did I get so lucky as to have deserved a special gift? Sure, the little joints kneading my insides sometimes feel like my stomach is about to launch an alien, but how could you not adore the little movements that indicate the signs of precious life?
In two to three weeks, (or maybe even a week, who knows?), I will be in labor, in a hospital room, and then life would never be the same, our little angel will be born. I've heard stories of how sleep will soon be a luxury to me. How pregnancy is really just the beginning and that it doesn’t compare to the years of early mornings and late nights ahead. I have heard horror stories of labor, and I can absolutely say without shame nor embarrassment right now that I am terrified. I am unprepared. I do not know what to do. I am sure I will cry in the process. Or maybe ask for even just a slight delay until I can gain control, even when I know control is no longer possible.
One thing is for sure though, I have never felt happiness that can top my 2013, and I know that the coming years of losing control will also bring along even more of this kind of joy. That's why I am sure I will remember decades from now what I was doing in 2013 - it was the year I stopped walking fast, and instead, wobbled along.
