Define: dreams

On September 8, 2001, I made a list of dreams.

1. Be a doctor

2. Be a barrio doctor at least for a year, preferrably in Batanes

3. Write a script/screenplay and see it shown

4. Live in extreme cold for at least a month

5. Write/publish a book

6. Have a restaurant/food business

7. Go around the world/visit the tiangges around the world/go around the Philippines for a year

8. Live in NY for at least a month

9. Fall in love

10. Singapore

 

At an unknown time later, I amended these.

1. Write a book

2. Make a movie

3. Go around the Philippines for a year and join events

4. Be a photographer

5. Sew my own clothes

6. Visit Batanes

 

I want you to know, my dear, that dreams can be amended. When you're older and you can understand movie storylines, we will see Pixar's "Up" for you to see what I mean. Dreams can be amended, and when you do amend them, it doesn't always mean you're giving up on your dreams. It can mean that you've become a different person, and you're comfortable with where you are. You'll hear a lot of people telling you to get out of your comfort zone. I agree with that. However, I once heard a speaker, Chot Reyes, coach of the Gilas Pilipinas, a national basketball team who went on to compete in the big leagues of international basketball some years back, talk about the "gift zone". You have to be mindful of the difference between your comfort zone and your gift zone. Comfort zone is when you have gotten used to doing things a certain way, and are no longer interested nor courageous enough to try new things. Gift zone is when you have found what makes you trully happy, whether it's a relationship, a profession or a hobby, and you're contented with where you are. The difference lies in your emotional state, happy and contentment being key.

Define: 2013

I don’t remember much what I was doing this time last year. I have vague memories of preparing for a friend's wedding, working on Christmas projects for the office, and assisting a pregnant friend in her gift shopping.

Remembering 2013 is going to be a different story. I am positive that one, five, even ten years from now, I will remember what I was doing this year. It's not every year that you get married. It's not every year that you get pregnant. Certainly not every year that a child is welcomed in your family.

I stood alone around midnight at the entrance of Rockwell, waiting for Ken to pick me up. Because of the lateness of the time, there were no people waiting with me, nor anyone walking by. I looked around and realized…it will be a long while before I experience this aloneness again. Not months, not years, but decades.

How does one's life change so drastically in a span of 12 months? A year ago, I had full control of my body, my future, and my every move. Today, my bladder feels like it's generating water on its own, my lower back aches where it never ached before, and my eyesight is at its worst. The control I had a year ago was something I couldn’t even remember anymore.

The fatigue is something different all together. I have had tired, exhausting episodes before, like maybe after working for almost 16 hours or more, or after a 12-hour bus ride that's bumpy. These days though, I wake up to pee, and I'm already tired. I stand up to get water, and then I'm tired. The only thing pushing me to move is my need to eat so that the little one doesn’t miss out on meals. Otherwise, I think I would be content simply sleeping 24 hours a day.

And then there's my walking. I love walking, and I love walking fast, I feel like I'm bouncing. Occasionally, I would sprint to my destination and the surge of energy is always liberating. And yet, I suddenly find myself unable to walk with the same speed. Instead, I wobble along. When, and how, did that happen?

And yet, in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of my sleep, I would be awakened by a gentle kick or a little squirm, as if a little body is also shifting sleeping positions inside of me. That's when I wonder, how indeed did I get so lucky as to have deserved a special gift? Sure, the little joints kneading my insides sometimes feel like my stomach is about to launch an alien, but how could you not adore the little movements that indicate the signs of precious life?

In two to three weeks, (or maybe even a week, who knows?), I will be in labor, in a hospital room, and then life would never be the same, our little angel will be born. I've heard stories of how sleep will soon be a luxury to me. How pregnancy is really just the beginning and that it doesn’t compare to the years of early mornings and late nights ahead. I have heard horror stories of labor, and I can absolutely say without shame nor embarrassment right now that I am terrified. I am unprepared. I do not know what to do.  I am sure I will cry in the process. Or maybe ask for even just a slight delay until I can gain control, even when I know control is no longer possible.

One thing is for sure though, I have never felt happiness that can top my 2013, and I know that the coming years of losing control will also bring along even more of this kind of joy. That's why I am sure I will remember decades from now what I was doing in 2013 - it was the year I stopped walking fast, and instead, wobbled along.