The long-awaited night comes, but alas – the restaurant tells you that you do not have a table. You could wait an hour though, says the maître d’, which would mean you’ll miss the entire set of coming-soon-movie trailers they always show at the start of the film. You are livid with anger! You turn to your boyfriend and ask, “how could this happen? We called!” Your boyfriend then looks at you and starts with, “ah honey…”
Your instinct is to spend the next few hours pulling your hair and muttering could-have-beens under your breath, withering away in anger at your monthsary being sabotaged. But how angry should you be? Let’s find out. It all depends on how the boyfriend delivers his first reaction to this faux –pas:
- Reaction #1: “I’m so sorry, hon. This is all my fault. I was going to call them yesterday but got pulled into so many other things at work. How about getting a quick snack now, and then maybe they’ll have a table for us after the movie?” Would you be so angry at this explanation? I’m guessing not very much. He admitted it’s his fault, gave a reason as to why he didn’t call, and offered a possible solution. A quick snack at Mcdonalds does sound fine, right?
- Reaction #2: “Hmmm. I wasn’t able to call them. But let me talk to the maitre d’. Surely she can do something for us.” And then boyfriend walks off to talk to Madame maitre d’. You’d probably still be angry, he obviously forgot… and he didn’t even say that all important word – SORRY. But he’s going to do something. So until he can’t get you that table, simmer down for the meantime.
- Reaction #3: "Hmmm. I wasn’t able to call them. I wanted to though, I wrote a to-do in my planner.” And then boyfriend joins you and you both sulk on the side walk. Oh I’m sure you are angry by now. Not only was there no call AND no sorry, he didn’t even try calling in the first place! But he did want to. He said so himself. Maybe he just got pulled to save the world just when he was about to pick up the phone in the phonebooth. Always happens to Clark Kent.
- Reaction #4: “Hmmm. I wasn’t able to call them. I didn’t think I should have. They usually have so many tables available anyway.” And then boyfriend joins you on the side walk and gives you a paper heart he fashioned out of a gum wrapper. Now he tells you that! Right when the damage is already done??? Not only was there no call, no sorry, no effort, he never really intended to call the restaurant. BUT, he’s considering now the error of his ways and has given you this gem that deserves a place in that scrapbook you started the first time you went out.
- Reaction #5: "That was tonight? Oh well, McDonalds is just over there.” And boyfriend takes out his iPhone and starts the next level of Tap-Tap Revenge. I’m not even going to enumerate what was lacking in this reaction, there are sooo many. But let’s zero in on the number one thing that this reaction lacked - care. He simply didn’t seem like he cared. Not even a false, pretend-care, which the boyfriend who gave you the gum-wrapper-heart-origami at least showed. Clearly, he doesn’t see how much this evening meant to you. And even now, when you’re angry, he still can’t see it because Tap-Tap Revenge just used Katy Perry’s Firework in the next game.
It could be your boyfriend. Or girlfriend. It could be your mom, your son, your boss, your colleague. Lots of people have disappointed us, and lots of them are about to. It’s just how the world works. Sometimes, our disappointment reaches that stage of blind anger – you’re just angry at everyone and anyone, you just can’t remember anymore why. And most of the time, a huge chunk of our anger is not about the person not being able to deliver what you expect him or her to do. It’s because they didn’t seem to care. Their initial reaction to your disappointment is all wrong, and not at all what you wanted to hear.
So next time someone does not deliver according to expectations, and further disappoints you with his/her reaction, ask yourself:
- Did the person admit the mistake? If yes, get over it, move on.
- If not, did the person try to do his/her part? If yes, get over it, move on.
- If not, did the person intend to do what you expected? If yes, get over it, move on.
- If not, did the person consider your feelings/the consequences/that possibly you’re right? If yes, get over it, move on.
- If not, did the person at least pretended to care? If yes, get over it, move on.
If not, then, by all means, be angry. Then get over it, move on.
While it’s normal to feel disappointment and anger, wallowing in it and thinking about it all day is usually counter-productive. I’d rather paint my toenails than think about the multitude of ways I can do things better if I were placed in the disappointing person’s shoes. Disappointment is a part of life. So as soon as you feel it, try to break the disappointment down right away until you find out what about the incident disappoints you the most. And then after that, wallow in anger accordingly, but never long enough to miss the next episode of your favorite TV show.
Disclaimer: Of course, I’m oversimplifying. If you’re going through something more traumatic like a real loss, a breakup, sickness, and all those life-altering experiences, getting over it is usually not as simple as this. But, you can still try J .
Special thanks to Meg, James and Ivan for formulating this 5-level disappointment test with me. Meg needs a Jaguar, by the way.
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